June 2, 2001

writing freely…spring comes and the grass grows by itself

i got interested when mahesh told me about troy brophy’s blog, where for 45 minutes each day, he writes whatever comes to his mind. i like to experiment, so i’m going to do just that…type whatever comes to my mind…er, no, i’m not timing myself. i’ll stop where i feel is a logical end.


i’m actually not in a mood for such an experiment. i’ve been keeping to myself these days and i don’t really have a reason for why i’m upset, NOR do i have a reason for why i’m suddenly very happy sometimes. i have been observing my roller coaster mood swings for a while now. some say its because i’m going to get married very soon. for others it doesnt matter.

i guess what works best with me, is to ‘be’ in the moment. when i’m happy (which is very strangely connected to the rains ;-), i don’t hold myself back…i can never resist (and i haven’t tried either) running up to the terrace to get drenched in the cold rain, even if i have to freeze in the cold office for the rest of the day.

when i’m feeling a little low, i dont fight it, and simply wait to let it pass. sometimes it takes a few hours, sometimes, a day or two. over the past three months though, this period has been stretching itself…and i’m beginning to wonder what could be causing these.

i cannot pretend. i think i’m someone who’s too practical to dismiss my highs and lows entirely as pre-marriage blues. that’s not what vipassana taught me. it taught me to observe my thoughts, my reactions…even though i might lose practise, i’ll never forget its teachings. maybe i’ll attend another course again; again, maybe i won’t.

[reminds me of a story in tinkle where two kingdoms have just decided to wage a war, and everybody get ready for battle. i’m not sure of the exact dialogue that transpires between the ammunition vendor and a common soldier below, but here it is anyway…
soldier: i need a sword that can really slice the enemy
seller: my swords are so sharp, no enemy can escape its blow
soldier: hmm, i also need a shield…one that will halp me fight till the very end
seller: buy the shields you see here sir, no sword or spear can ever get past this
soldier: (amused) how do i make a decision what to buy from you swordseller?
seller: why?? what’s on your mind?
soldier: what if your sword meets your shield??]

i cannot forget this little story. and i’m reminded of it everytime i think of zen, vipassana, or buddhism. when buddha teaches you to be detached, what makes one go back to the same teaching then?

aren’t we supposed to soak in the essence of these teachings and then move ahead?

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