March 4, 2005

once again…

there’s no particular reason for this long silence. this entry is just for me to get back to writing.

a lot has been happening around me, i’ve been reading about what goes into chicken nuggets and how salads are packed, i’m trying to make sense of the two and a half pillars of wisdom (and wondering why i didn’t pick the book up from the library instead), i almost enrolled in a £360-documentary-making course but pulled back because i decided i would have to have the energy for it first; it has been snowing all week and when i look outside my window it’s like a life-size-christmas-greeting card, yet i’m waiting for the daffodils to open, and watch the sunshine bounce off all the spring flowers. i am waiting for the spring.

i also finished those kitchen curtains, and got back to stitching my quilt, something i started (by hand) about two years ago. now that i have my sewing machine, i thought things would speed up a bit. wish the body would work as fast as the mind though. instead my pains have increased over the past few months and i’m just watching the world go by. sometimes angry i let it get this far, sometimes peaceful, sometimes tired, or just comfortably numb.

i’ve been missing out a lot from life these days. there’s so much i want to do, so much to learn…

that’s why i’m going back to india to refuel my energy. going to take another chance at treating my backpain, through the residential ayurvedic hospital at kottakal this time.

as for the doctors here, they have officially washed their hands off my case. they called it a ‘mystery illness’ at first but thankfully gave me all my medical reports to take home. now they think it’s CFS/fibromyalgia, a disorder that used to be dismissed as ‘phantom pains’, having no particular cause, therefore no cure (more here). “and then there are the other complications as well, apart from the chronic pain itself…”

was i better off not knowing what the problem was, or am i better off knowing there is no cure? does that mean i’m going to spend the rest of my life enjoying half the quality it deserves?

i am 30. life has just begun, enough time has been wasted. once again, what i need is to just get out of denial mode.