March 4, 2005

once again…

there’s no particular reason for this long silence. this entry is just for me to get back to writing.

a lot has been happening around me, i’ve been reading about what goes into chicken nuggets and how salads are packed, i’m trying to make sense of the two and a half pillars of wisdom (and wondering why i didn’t pick the book up from the library instead), i almost enrolled in a £360-documentary-making course but pulled back because i decided i would have to have the energy for it first; it has been snowing all week and when i look outside my window it’s like a life-size-christmas-greeting card, yet i’m waiting for the daffodils to open, and watch the sunshine bounce off all the spring flowers. i am waiting for the spring.

i also finished those kitchen curtains, and got back to stitching my quilt, something i started (by hand) about two years ago. now that i have my sewing machine, i thought things would speed up a bit. wish the body would work as fast as the mind though. instead my pains have increased over the past few months and i’m just watching the world go by. sometimes angry i let it get this far, sometimes peaceful, sometimes tired, or just comfortably numb.

i’ve been missing out a lot from life these days. there’s so much i want to do, so much to learn…

that’s why i’m going back to india to refuel my energy. going to take another chance at treating my backpain, through the residential ayurvedic hospital at kottakal this time.

as for the doctors here, they have officially washed their hands off my case. they called it a ‘mystery illness’ at first but thankfully gave me all my medical reports to take home. now they think it’s CFS/fibromyalgia, a disorder that used to be dismissed as ‘phantom pains’, having no particular cause, therefore no cure (more here). “and then there are the other complications as well, apart from the chronic pain itself…”

was i better off not knowing what the problem was, or am i better off knowing there is no cure? does that mean i’m going to spend the rest of my life enjoying half the quality it deserves?

i am 30. life has just begun, enough time has been wasted. once again, what i need is to just get out of denial mode.


  • Gouri said:

    Hi Radhika,

    I have been reading your journal for some time. I admire your courage and your zest for life inspite of having to bear so much pain. Nothing I can say will make you feel better but I only want to tell you that don’t give up ! You know, the best writers in the world have grappled with personal problems/tragedies. Say to yourself that ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’ and keep looking for the bright and the beautiful in life, as you have always done. Don’t let the problem stymie your creative instinct, it is something wonderful that you have, preserve it and let it flower like the daffodils in your garden. When there is winter, spring will surely follow !!!


  • Anonymous said:

    Radhika ,
    I am a strong beleiver of Ayurveda. It is slow but it is going to cure your pain.

  • anumita said:

    … and spring will surround you in no time.
    Take care, Radhika. I am sure everything will be all right.

  • Chandramohan said:

    Radhika – don’t despair. I’m sure the Kotakkal treatment as well as the change of locale will do you a world of good.

    Have you tried homeopathy ? There are a few good Indian homeopaths who also have clinics in the UK. So you still have many options to explore.

    Take care and try to keep writing.


  • Javi said:

    very dear friend,
    there is hope, my dear brother got CFS since 4 years ago, during 3 years he struggled and he all practically lost hope, then after trying many alternative diets and treatments finally started to improve and now he is almost recovered – so please never think that there is no cure, when they say that they mean that they dont have a magical pill that will erase the problem in 1 hour or a few weeks, thats the xxxxxx traditional thinking – there is a problem in the body and it can be cured and healed, yes it can, my brother did it and u can, it will take time, more for some people, less for others, but there is always a way out, certainly room to improve, never despair, I tell u its possible, I know a lot about CFS and Fibromyalgia and I tell u that u can get cured, never listen to those who tell u the opposite because they talk from the narrow minds they carry on top of their shoulders, how little we know all of us, eat well, relax, meditate, rest, be with nice people, try different gentle treatments that help the body to start returning to its health, u will make it one day, I am sure


  • Chakra Sampath said:

    Radhika… don’t give up… am sure everything’ll be alright very soon.

    ‘ll see you at hemel on ur return… take care!

  • Reshma said:

    Girl, you are just amazing!!!

  • Ravi said:

    Hi Radhika,

    God Bless You, things are going to be great after your treatment.

    looks like a prophecy? anyway take care…

    if you are just wondering who is this im an jus another avid reader of your blog, waiting for ur entries daily.

  • radhika said:

    thanks everyone 🙂

    i hate to use the term myself, but am going through one of those chunky blogger’s block again i guess, where nothing seems worth writing about, and life just goes by.

    hope to get back soon! thanks for all your wishes again 🙂

  • Shailz said:

    Hi,Have been reading your blog for some time and i must tell that you have a wonderful writing style.I understand your situation now.Pl hang on in there and things will work out fine.I shall keep you in my prayers.

  • vaibhav said:

    Stopped by to “Hi!”
    My new post is up on the web@

  • Vijayeta said:

    Hi Radhika,

    Sorry to hear that you’re not feeling better and I hope that the trip back home as well as the treatment at the clinic will help you feel 100% again.

    Good luck and do keep us updated with everything once you get back.

  • cvraman said:

    Good medication and Meditation can cure any illness. My prayers are there for u to get well soon.

  • vaibhav said:

    Hi! Just Checking.
    Read my Kissay@

  • Colors said:

    Happy Vishu!

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